Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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