So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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