You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
