we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
