Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
