Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
