Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
