nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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