I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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