I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
