i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
