i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
