just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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