I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
It's shark week go big or go home
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
