you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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