So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
