o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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