The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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