just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm too high and old for this...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
