She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
