So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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