Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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