1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
