that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
