I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
