Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
