OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
