K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just sucked dick on a ferry
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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