I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
