So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
