There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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