You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
