She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
