I want to have your abortion
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
