I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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