so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I queefed so loud it echoed.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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