I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
