we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
