I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I want her autograph on my taint
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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