No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
