my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
