apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
