Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
