What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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