I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Are my feet made of real feet?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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