We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I intend to get homeless drunk
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
