did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
