After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
