My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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