I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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